Books

Books are becoming more and more obsolete. Why would you read something when you can read the much shorter sparknotes version? Don’t even get me started wit books on tape. How sad is it when we have become too lazy to read! How much physical energy is spent sitting in a chair, sipping hot chocolate by a warm fire, reading. I have heard that the average American reads one book per year! I was shocked! I have a lot of catching up to do!

 

I was at a public library the other day, or as I call it, the poor mans internet. I have developed a new way of stealing music without letting it effect my conscience. I check out CD’s from the library then just add them into my ITunes. Believe it or not, they actually have some pretty good stuff. Well, while I was there I started browsing at the books because I like to read. Rather I like to have large bookshelves full of books that Im intending to read. That way I look more cultured when I have guests over, if I ever were to have guests. Anyways, I decided that most of those books, I’ll just wait for the movie. Everyone always says how much better the books are than the movie. Then I realized that it doesn’t matter who you are, if you go to a movie with someone and you have read the book and they have not, in your mind, you are automatically more intelligent and more elegant than that person. Its like a “free opportunity to be a pretentious jerk” card. That’s what I need to hear from the guy behind me all movie, “the book is so much better, you really get a feel for what the character is experiencing. Oh, that’s wrong, that’s not how it happens in the book. Look at all you poor fools, having to relay on the movie to understand Frodo’s plight. I already digested all 1100 pages that I will slowly and painfully deliver my commentary of onto you, all while the story is unfolding on the pitiful screen.” It makes me wanna turn around and say “hey! I tried watchin the book, but it just sat there!” So, I realized that this was my chance to be the pretentious jerk that considers himself an expert on all things nerdy, simply cause he did a book report in the fifth grade, which mostly consisted of a poorly constructed diorama.  So at the library, I decided I was going to “cease the day” and check out an actual book. Later I would watch the movie with a large group of soon to be impressed people.  So I checked out a book that I knew was made into a movie and spent the next 6-8 months absorbing its plot, characters, ad deeper underlying meanings. Well, when we were all gathered to watch the movie and I began sharing my Jewels of knowledge, I was disappointed to learn that almost everyone has read “Horton Hears a Who” . Truly, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.  

 

 

Twilight
I have never seen the need to read this book. Especially once I heard they were making a movie, I decided I’d just watch that. Well I happened to see the movie the other day. Here is why Twilight is single handedly destroying America. A) It gives girls wildly unrealistic expectations about boys. Sorry to break it to you girls but there is no guy like Edward that sparkles and won’t drink your blood. How are the rest of us guys supposed to get any girl if they are continually comparing us to Edward. “I really like Jake a lot, but he is just so mortal. He’ll totally not live forever so it’s not even worth it.” I miss the good ole days when we only had to compete with the expectations movie stars set. I’d much rather be compared to Justin Timberlake than some vampire who’s skin is cold and who can run up trees. 2) I find it funny that girls think it is so sweet that Edward doesn’t drink her blood and make her a vampire. As though that was a hard trait to find in a guy. “I just want a boy who is nice, and cute, and funny, and who wont savagely drink my blood as starving wolf would drink the blood of a small woodland creature. So he beats us on the things we can’t do, as well as beating us on the things we can. Thanks a lot. 3) I find it extremely ironic that we live in a society were people think about love lasting forever. Girls dream of falling in love to their prince charming and they live happily ever after. Our society is looking deeper and deeper into that ideology. However, people are continually less and less willing to make their marriages work and actually do what they need to do to make their fairy tales become true. So thanks a lot Twilight.

Texting
This is a great tool for every body. Its just one more way to talk to someone that you don’t REALLY want to talk to. There seems to be a hierarchy. If you really wanna talk to someone you can call them on the phone. Then if you don’t wanna talk to them that bad you can text. But for those relationships you’d really like to start disintegrating, you can email! But just wait there is more…. Thanks to things such as MyFace, or other interweb networking sites, you don’t even have to do that. It’s a nice little arrangement. “Alright you write everything you want about you, and I’ll write everything I know about me and then we’ll just switch. That way, we don’t have to talk at all!” Blogs are just a huge waist of time. So from now on, I want all of you to just leave your phone number and I’ll just call you or text or email you (depending on how much I like you) what funny little rants I would have written in my blog.

“Lets hear it for sound waves!”

Valentines Day
Remember when Valentine’s Day was fun? In elementary school everyone made a cute little box and passed around lil valentines to everyone in class. We played Bingo with the little hearts made out of sidewalk chalk that said crazy things on them like “Fax Me”(oh how romantic). And then in 6th grade you even got to have a dance. But to make it not weird you had dance cards so you could plan out your dances and who you would be with every song. Valentines day was all about candy. Kinda like Halloween, but for alive people! Well, the second you got old enough to understand and appreciate what Valentines Day is all about, it immediately got lame. I wish I could go back to the time it was all about Micheal Jordan Valentines and you got one from everybody. And there is one more thing that I don’t like about this holiday. It is people who think they are so funny and say “Happy single’s awareness day!” as though they are the first person to ever think of it and as though we don’t hear it every year for the last 10 years. Or maybe we should just institute a new holiday called singles awareness day. And for that day everyone has to dress up in something green, and if you don’t have green on you get pinched! I dunno, just spitballin here.


Summer Time!
Finally it is here, but where is it really? Have all our summer goings on gone already, or are they still going on? Let me explain, Thanks to liberal left wing media, air pollution is way up as well as are the amount of starving children in Darfur. Or something like that. See this is what I don’t understand… Thanks to pollution there is a hole in the Ozone Layer. Supposedly, centered over Antarctica. Well Antarctica-ians, your welcome. If there is any place in the world that needs some more sunlight its you! Sir Ernest Shacklton would agree, Antarctica is freaking cold. My only hope is that some of that warm weather makes its way up north to Lo-Town. I have been burning Styrofoam, plastic bags, and used baby diapers constantly for about 8 days now. I think it may be working.

The best part about summer time is being able to frolic and play. Swimming is a typical summer past time! Finally the time when your eating disorder will pay off! (but seriously, eating disorders are no laughing matter, seek professional help if needed). Once you have gotten over the fact that everyone in the pool is looking at your flab or possible backne (Back Acne), its time to start enjoying your summer. Be sure to have fun while it lasts because tonight you will find your skin glowing a bright red, and along with that phenomena, a delightful burning sensation.

People are always asking me, “Jake, what can I do to make my body more swim suit ready?” The answer is pretty simple, “Don’t eat so much fatty”. Well that’s a start but the real answer is a lot more complex than just not eating as much. Somehow eating has become more of a recreational activity than a means of maintaining survival. Now whenever we celebrate something, wedding, birthday, graduation, there is always food attached to the party. That’s one reason why Americans are so fat. Let me crunch some numbers for you. According to the last US Census, the American population estimate for 2008 was around 304,059,724 people. There are 365 days a year, so everyday there are about 833,040 birthdays, that’s a lot of cake being consumed. Just think how much better off we would be if we switched to baby carrots instead of cake!

Also it is important to exercise! One of the best ways is to go to a gym. That way if you weren’t self-conscious about your fat body before, you are now. The best thing you can do is join a gym and then find the biggest guy you can and beat him up, in order to establish dominance. Don’t spend too much time working on proper lifting technique or any sort of organized work out plan. Just be sure to grunt a lot, slam the weights down real hard as though they were heavy, and always have a mad look on your face. It’s a proven fact maybe that angry people have larger appearing muscles. That’s what I do and it hasn’t failed me yet.

Tabloids
So I can’t decide if being in a Tabloid magazine means your successful or not. I saw one the other day while I was buying moon pies at the super market and I wondered what it would be like to have people so interested in my life, aspects like weight loss (and/or) gain, kids from Africa I’m adopting and going to curse for life with a weird name, or who I am dating or not dating. But then I realized that while some look up to those movie stars, they aren’t ever in the tabloids for good reasons. Usually. I know that there are exceptions so don’t freak out. Then I wondered if a tabloid was covering my life what the cover headlines would say. “Jake is caught reading a book!”, “Jake Sparks was seen dazzling the town on his bicycle!”, “Jake and his girlfriend Katherine Zeta Jones are renting a movie!”. For sure it would make for some pretty juicy reading material. Much like this WebLog.

Word Fun!
So here is what the previous paragraph would look like if I were an overzealous thesaurus user:
Thus I can’t resolve if participating in a scandalous periodical means your flourishing or doing the opposite of flourishing. I saw one the other era while I was purchasing moon danishes at the shop and I questioned what it would be like to have citizens so interested in my existence aspects, like mass bereavement (and/or) acquisition, youth from Africa I’m espousing and going to bother for life with a weird name, or who I am courting or not courting. But then I become conscious that while some look up to those motion picture stars, they aren’t ever in the tabloids for respectable reasons. By and large. I know that there are exceptions so don’t fret. Then I pondered if a tabloid was covering my life what the cover caption would say. “Jake is trapped reading a manuscript!”, “Jake Sparks was seen glittering the settlement on his tandem!”, “Jake and his scrabble partner Katherine Zeta Jones are leasing a film!”. For sure it would make for some attractive scandalous evaluation material. Much like this WebLog.

Poetry
I’m not into love poetry; but if I were, I would write poems like this: (This was going to be funny but its actually serious and pretty meaningful I think) (seriously)

Nightfall and glimmering stars
Enchantment swells inside
The moon brings a welcomed chance
For their hearts to collide
They stroll down the path together
Hands and hearts clasped so tight
The words are only details
As they wander into the night
Finally to the Garden
Fresh spring flowers all around
This would be the spot
For dreams buried in the ground
He stops and turns toward her
Not sure of what to do
She gazed at him wonderingly
And didn’t have a clue
A kiss on the cheek was all he could offer
And it would have to do
Love is tough for a four year old
And she was only two

Nights turned into days
Numbering not a few
Moonlit walks and talks continued
As the couple grew
Finally to the Garden,
As he learned what to do
The summer flowers set the scene
For the first “I Love You”
The Garden Sun did shine
As wedding bells filled the air
They continued moving forward
Side by side, as a pair
With hearts and hands clasped so tight
As they walked through life
Together they weathered every summer storm
And grew together through strife

Eventually the nights turned cool
As autumn finished its task
The walks and talks persisted
Till they couldn’t make it back
Now old and grey and wise
From the lives that they have led
She lay frail and weak
And whispers from the bed
Take me to the Garden,
I need to see our past
I need to see the flowers
Will they make it? Will they last?
The flowers now conceding
To the wishes of seasons
Their time too was short
They would be taken for their own reasons

Do not be sad he said
For all things must pass on
The Garden is our love
And the spring is never gone
Our dreams are planted here
And in the ground they will be
But once the spring sun shines
They will be free eternally

Now alone he walks
To the Garden each day
The Love of his life now lives there
And in the flowers she will stay

Ok so I don’t really know where that all came from. Guess I felt like being sentimental. I even cried a little bit.

You make me so angry!

Jelly Bellys

Who the H came up with this brain child. We will take a great product that people have loved for decades(jelly beans) and completely undermine the integrity of the entire product. Ok, so you’re a glorified jelly bean company. You make jelly beans. I could live with that. I think they are gross but I can handle that. Then you got the idea to make disgusting ones! On purpose. You purposely made a completely repulsive product. Here is vomit jelly bean. And a snot jelly bean. And a popcorn jelly bean. Now I cant even enjoy the original jelly beans cause I never know when I am going to get a mouthful of Harry’s snot and poop. But that’s not even the worst of it. The thing I am most outraged about is the fact that it worked. Stupid people actually bought them.  And then ate them. And then bought more just so they could talk about how bad it was. Rather than eating their own vomit for free, they paid to eat your vomit. Which only reinforces the JellyBelly company and they produce more. What other product in the world would this work for? None! “Hey hunny, next time you go to the store you think you could pick up some of that diarrhea flavored peanut butter? I just love that stuff. Oh, but be sure to get crunchy this time.” Yeah I can just see Jiffy in that marketing meeting.  “So boss, I got this great idea that everyone is gonna just love.” Or how about Body Odor Gum! “I Love how it makes my mouth taste like Shaq’s armpit.” You are single handedly destroying America and letting the terrorists win.

Technology

So does technology ever make you feel stupid? We have all sorts of gadgets. You can have a phone that is a GPS, Cameras, music player, movie player, surfs the web. You can video conference people on the other side of the world. All that it fits in your pocket, on a tiny little machine.  And right now, me standing here, I have no idea how a zipper works. Let alone can I comprehend satellites 200 miles above the earth sending down signals that are decoded by a box in my living room so I can watch Fresh prince re-runs.  Sometimes I just stare at my coat zipping and unzipping wondering how it all works. When its zipped its so tight! And yet it can all be undone with such little effort. I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. My problem is everything I think of has already been invented. “I want a machine that can just transport you from one place to another.” “Oh you mean like a bike, car, train, airplane, boat, shuttle, van, bus, subway, monorail, handcart?” “Yeah.” If I ever did invent something I would make it easy on myself. Like I would invent a machine that its only job is to invent other machines. That way I only invent one machine but get credit for what could be thousands!

 

Facebook Fantasies

I wish life were like facebook. Think about it. I wish I could just walk up to some random person and be like “I am requesting your friendship. Would you like to confirm or ignore?” See on facebook everything is so much more strait forward. “Sure let me edit the details.” Plus I Would get invited to all sorts of clubs and things! Think about walking around campus and some pirate walks up to you and says “Arrrr! This is the would you like to be a pirate vs. ninja request.” See that’s fun. No I kinda think its getting a little out of hand. I had a professor request my friendship the other day. I don’t know how to feel about that. I think its funny when people put on their status “Sara Beth is think of deleting her facebook.” Do you know what that is? That is a cry for help! It is Facebook’s equivalent to suicide. Then you ask them why they wanna get rid of it. “Its just too addicting. I cant give it up! That’s the only way I know how to end it.” Or my personal favorite, “My ex girlfriend took me off her top friends! I can’t go on facebooking anymore! Whats the use!” And really they just need a friend to sit them down and help them cope with their facebook struggles. Pretty sure most of those threats are just people trying to get sympathy. Well we all have hard facebook lives. That’s just the way it goes. Deal with it.

How about those people that change their relationship status like every other week just to cause drama. Maybe it makes them feel good knowing that everyone else knows that they are no longer listed as single.

I do like to change my birthday though. Last year about every other week was my facebook birthday. It helps you know who your real friends are.  

Dating

This has gone far enough! Now there are so many rules associated with dating it isn’t even worth it. You cant text, have to open all sorts of doors, and spend money, and then there is always the whole awkwardness of it all. Some people attract awkwardness like a dying star imploding in on itself creating a black hole in which not even light can escape. But im getting better. Usually the asking is rough. If she says no for whatever reason be prepared to be uncomfortable around each other for the rest of your lives. Oh and what about speed dating? Well you thought one rejection a week was good, you should try 35 in an hour. It’s a real rush (Ryan Hamilton 2008).

 

But sometimes it does all work out in the end. And it can be very exciting! Not knowing if she likes you or not and then the first time she does something that makes you think you have a chance! Oh boy that’s a great feeling….I’ll bet.

 

Ok so I am sick of everyone asking me so I am just going to tell you. Do’s and don’ts of dating:

Do be polite and courteous. Don’t be not polite and not courteous. (they go hand in hand)

Do compliment her on her appearance. Don’t compliment her on her moustache

Do be respectful of her and her body. Don’t spurn her advances (if your like me she will be wanting to be all over you at this point)

Do pay for the date. Don’t pull the ole “Oh I left my wallet in my Porsche”

 

Ok so for some of you dating deficient learners(DDL) let me break it down for you. Step by step:

1)    The call! “Hello I,_________(state your name) am calling to request the pleasure of your company this Friday evening, upon which we will attend the gentlemen’s ball and enjoy light refreshments” she will undoubtedly agree unless you are unattractive. If this is the case you will most likely need to pick and uglier-excuse me- less attractive date.

2)    The pick up. Don’t blow it. This is a good chance to score some extra points with the fam. If you really wanna put on the charm be sure to leave her home with a kneeling prayer.

3)    This probably should be the most awkward part of the date. Its normal. Your both just feelin each other out and seein how things are going to go. Try to think of some good thought provoking questions in advance like “whats your favorite animal?” Be sure to focus the conversation on you and your football/music career.

4)    The activity- this is the meat of the date. Whatever it is be sure that she continually knows how lucky she was to be chosen by you for the evening. Talking about old girlfriends and other girls you’ve dated is a must. Girls love competition. Also put downs. If you really want her to stick around it is imperative that you treat her poorly. That way she will feel like she needs and has to have you.

5)    Dinner can difficult. Be sure to keep the power and focus on your side. If you space out even for a moment she is ordering the fillet minion and and crab lobster platter.  Most of which she probably wont eat. Only the salad. Women evolved from an herbivorous dinosaur. That’s why they love salad so much.

6)    Ok so the date is winding down. You have done a wonderful job I must say. She is totally into you. A movie is the perfect time to seal the deal. If you really want to get her, watch Charly. Its churchy, and lovey, and does have a hot chick in it. You could try for “hitch” or “transformers” but those are all so one dimensional.

7)    Now if she is interested- this is when you’ll know. Sitting on the couch arms crossed, bored look on her face, and a 4^th and long distance between you…not good. Gotta bridge the gap. A hand on the leg is a good start, or the cheesy yawn wrap around sometimes works on blondes.

8)    Ok, now the drop off. This is key. Be sure to walk her to the door and be sure she knows exactly why you are doing it. So she doesn’t get raped by someone else. Now, some guys look at the key jiggling thing, or other methods of finding out her intentions. Also if she looks at your lips a lot your in! Stand close and tall. Let her know your there. There is a lot of intuition here. Gotta go with your gut. Hitch says the whole go 90% let her come 10% thing. That works sometimes. What I do is go 50% and if she doesn’t respond I act like I am bending over to tie my shoe.

9)    Post date text. This is the girl’s domain. She can send that to you. Usually a good sign. But you do not initiate the text that night. Let it marinate. It is classy to wait and thank her a couple days later. That way she knows it had in impact on you and that you were thinking about her. Girls love crap like that.

10) Oh and one last thing…Send me a wedding invite!!

How to save the world

Ok here is an easy one. NO GAY MARRIAGE. Done.

Global warming? More like global BORING. Thanks Al Gore for that one. To me it seems that melting Polar ice caps is the perfect solution to the drought problem we’ve been having. Which in my opinion is caused by bottled water. Think about it. Never have we had so much bottled water before. Didn’t you ever make an eco system in a 2 liter coke bottle? There is always the same amount of water! Its just in different states. Gas, liquid, etc…

Battling the terroists…ok actually that’s an important one. I’ll give em that. We really should be worried about that.

UFC- what a waste. Here we have people that are trained killing machines. They should not be out wasting their skills on each other. They ought to be fighting crime. A Special task force. And give them authority to use any means necessary. ANY!

Economy- so how can not anyone have money? Ten years ago we were doin alright. Where is the money we had then? If people spent it then its still around. Just someone new has it. Do we need to go over the whole coke bottle eco system again?

Sports that aren’t sports that should be sports

Here is one for the ladies… while I am all for the WNBA and LPGA Tour and having professional women athletes, I just have no desire to spend any amount of money consuming those sports. But we do have a whole untapped market! Think about it. Who likes sports the most? MEN! What else do men that like sports also like? WOMEN! Duh. That is why I am introducing the first WBNHL! Women’s Bikini National Hockey League! Its pretty self explanatory. Oh and refs, let em go at it for a bit.

Also I like the Idea of some sort of Primate wrestling federation. Not only are Gorilla’s stronger than men, but they are less susceptible to being bribed and fixing fights.

Borderline sport= fishing, bowling, ice dancing and LPGA

Babe Talk

This is when I talk about the movie Babe. This lovable pig who was raised to be slaughtered but developed a specific set of skills that came in handy. He became a prize winning sheep dog- excuse me- sheep pig. Hilarity ensues as he tries to learn the ropes and the old school, kind hearted farmer realizes what a special pig he has. Which brings me too my next topic-

Bacon

Americas favorite past time! Every morning I like waking up and eating a pound of deep fried bacon wrapped bacon. Who doesn’t like bacon? Everyone does. I have a theory that every food can be served with bacon through at least no more than six degrees of separation. Try me! Ice Cream? Don’t waist my time….ice cream-whipped cream-whipped cream on waffles-bacon with waffles. Done. Steak you say? Fillet minion! That’s only one degree. Give me a hard one. That’s what she said. How about spaghetti. Oh good one. Spaghetti-salad-tomatoes-BLT! It cant be beat. Truly Bacon is king. Maybe one day America will be able to rise up and shake off the chains of big bacon.

Mobile Coverage

My phone just broke. But ironically, nothing works except for my ability to call people. The numbers work so I can dial but the texting and internet and games- all gone. Who uses their phone to talk to people on anymore? My grandma and that’s it. How do people in China Text? Their alphabet is like 6 Billion characters long. Maybe they still just talk on the phone. Lame.

Over Reactions

I think that everyone just needs to shut up and let me type how I want to. Screw home row. These hands are now homeless, but not like the angry homeless hands that just want your money for beer. More like the artistic ones that later become famous and everyone says, “Wow, those hands were homeless and now they own the whole keyboard!” The entire keyboard is my canvas. And my masterpiece… a delicious feast for the eyes and mind, that can only be consumed by desire- deep heartfelt desire. Burning like a fire devouring everything in its path. But not like a destructive path. More like a cleansing fire like at the end of the Lion King. So yes you heard me. My hands are like a beautiful and delicious cleansing fire. 

Girls are tricky. You have to watch out for them cause sometimes they make you completely miserable. And the other times, it doesn’t end up working out. Some girls are like that song you hear one the radio. You know the one by the Fray. At first you liked it and sang out loud to its conceptually catchy and whiney tune. But after hearing it so many times you want to ram burning Q-tips in your ears just to get them to be quiet. Plus that song took your hoody and you really want it back. ( oh so that’s how to save a life)

But in all honesty, I like girls. Sometimes one special girl. What makes her special? Well I don’t know if it’s her eyes when she laughs or if it’s the feeling I get when she walks in to the room. Or maybe its cause every time I see her it feels like Christmas morning and each smile is a precious gift waiting to be unwrapped, and I know I have been good that year. Or possibly it is because everything beautiful in my life reminds me of her, as she is the model of beauty. My sun rises and sets on her face, and pure unadulterated love permeates the chasms of my heart. But probably it’s because she lets me tongue kiss her (very rare).

 

But right now I’m single. I used to be in a singles ward but now I am in a student ward. So I dunno which direction I am going. I’m pretty sure it’s a positive thing cause what I wasn’t doing used to defined who I was. (I wasn’t getting married so I was single). But now I am a student, which is code for poor, hungry, in debt, and yes, still single. 

Yeah I go to college. Wanna know what college is like? Its kinda like when you were little and had to go to the dentist. You knew it would suck but you wanted the certificate so you could be in the “no cavities” club. Plus you couldn’t eat for a while after.

 

No I am not a looser- and I have over 650 Facebook friends to prove it.

 

Quote walls- Ok here is the skinny on that, just so you girls are aware.

1)    No it is not original.

2)    Any one could write any saying on a wall and yep….still wouldn’t be funny.

3)    It is a poor attempt to show visitors how funny you are(aren’t) and how many friends you have(don’t have) and how funny they all are(aren’t).

“Oh my heck did SaraBeth really say that?! Must have, its on the wall”

 

Ok its your house so do what you want, but me, I am going to fill my walls with unquote walls. I like to write down everything that some one hasn’t said. Then when some one does say it, cross it off the wall.

“The Sam’s club on Neptune ran out of scuba gear because a yeti ate my sandwhich”

That’s just an example, so if someone were to say that then we’d cross it off.

 

Scrabble is a fun game. It gives you a rare opportunity. If you win, then its one of the only two times in life you can be a winner and a looser at the same time. The other time is Employee of the Month (Demetri Martin 2006).

 

Black people. I fail to see how they can dominate every sport and yet make such horrible music videos. Oh let me guess, rapper, sporting all sorts of “ice”, booty girls, fish eye camera lens, pools, cars, dolla bills. That’s it. Just once I’d like to see something new in a rap video. And maybe more booty girls.

 

How come we have different breeds of dogs but different, races of people. Why not races of dogs or breeds of people? People aren’t prejudice against different breeds of dogs. They may have preferences perhaps, but they wouldn’t blame a pitt bull for high crime rate or a Chihuahua for so many illegal immigrants. If we just switched up our lingo a little we could save a lot of hate.  Maybe its something Obama could look into. Also he should look into fixing the rap videos.