Friday, May 8, 2009

I have never seen the need to read this book. Especially once I heard they were making a movie, I decided I’d just watch that. Well I happened to see the movie the other day. Here is why Twilight is single handedly destroying America. A) It gives girls wildly unrealistic expectations about boys. Sorry to break it to you girls but there is no guy like Edward that sparkles and won’t drink your blood. How are the rest of us guys supposed to get any girl if they are continually comparing us to Edward. “I really like Jake a lot, but he is just so mortal. He’ll totally not live forever so it’s not even worth it.” I miss the good ole days when we only had to compete with the expectations movie stars set. I’d much rather be compared to Justin Timberlake than some vampire who’s skin is cold and who can run up trees. 2) I find it funny that girls think it is so sweet that Edward doesn’t drink her blood and make her a vampire. As though that was a hard trait to find in a guy. “I just want a boy who is nice, and cute, and funny, and who wont savagely drink my blood as starving wolf would drink the blood of a small woodland creature. So he beats us on the things we can’t do, as well as beating us on the things we can. Thanks a lot. 3) I find it extremely ironic that we live in a society were people think about love lasting forever. Girls dream of falling in love to their prince charming and they live happily ever after. Our society is looking deeper and deeper into that ideology. However, people are continually less and less willing to make their marriages work and actually do what they need to do to make their fairy tales become true. So thanks a lot Twilight.

This is a great tool for every body. Its just one more way to talk to someone that you don’t REALLY want to talk to. There seems to be a hierarchy. If you really wanna talk to someone you can call them on the phone. Then if you don’t wanna talk to them that bad you can text. But for those relationships you’d really like to start disintegrating, you can email! But just wait there is more…. Thanks to things such as MyFace, or other interweb networking sites, you don’t even have to do that. It’s a nice little arrangement. “Alright you write everything you want about you, and I’ll write everything I know about me and then we’ll just switch. That way, we don’t have to talk at all!” Blogs are just a huge waist of time. So from now on, I want all of you to just leave your phone number and I’ll just call you or text or email you (depending on how much I like you) what funny little rants I would have written in my blog.

“Lets hear it for sound waves!”

Valentines Day
Remember when Valentine’s Day was fun? In elementary school everyone made a cute little box and passed around lil valentines to everyone in class. We played Bingo with the little hearts made out of sidewalk chalk that said crazy things on them like “Fax Me”(oh how romantic). And then in 6th grade you even got to have a dance. But to make it not weird you had dance cards so you could plan out your dances and who you would be with every song. Valentines day was all about candy. Kinda like Halloween, but for alive people! Well, the second you got old enough to understand and appreciate what Valentines Day is all about, it immediately got lame. I wish I could go back to the time it was all about Micheal Jordan Valentines and you got one from everybody. And there is one more thing that I don’t like about this holiday. It is people who think they are so funny and say “Happy single’s awareness day!” as though they are the first person to ever think of it and as though we don’t hear it every year for the last 10 years. Or maybe we should just institute a new holiday called singles awareness day. And for that day everyone has to dress up in something green, and if you don’t have green on you get pinched! I dunno, just spitballin here.

Summer Time!
Finally it is here, but where is it really? Have all our summer goings on gone already, or are they still going on? Let me explain, Thanks to liberal left wing media, air pollution is way up as well as are the amount of starving children in Darfur. Or something like that. See this is what I don’t understand… Thanks to pollution there is a hole in the Ozone Layer. Supposedly, centered over Antarctica. Well Antarctica-ians, your welcome. If there is any place in the world that needs some more sunlight its you! Sir Ernest Shacklton would agree, Antarctica is freaking cold. My only hope is that some of that warm weather makes its way up north to Lo-Town. I have been burning Styrofoam, plastic bags, and used baby diapers constantly for about 8 days now. I think it may be working.

The best part about summer time is being able to frolic and play. Swimming is a typical summer past time! Finally the time when your eating disorder will pay off! (but seriously, eating disorders are no laughing matter, seek professional help if needed). Once you have gotten over the fact that everyone in the pool is looking at your flab or possible backne (Back Acne), its time to start enjoying your summer. Be sure to have fun while it lasts because tonight you will find your skin glowing a bright red, and along with that phenomena, a delightful burning sensation.

People are always asking me, “Jake, what can I do to make my body more swim suit ready?” The answer is pretty simple, “Don’t eat so much fatty”. Well that’s a start but the real answer is a lot more complex than just not eating as much. Somehow eating has become more of a recreational activity than a means of maintaining survival. Now whenever we celebrate something, wedding, birthday, graduation, there is always food attached to the party. That’s one reason why Americans are so fat. Let me crunch some numbers for you. According to the last US Census, the American population estimate for 2008 was around 304,059,724 people. There are 365 days a year, so everyday there are about 833,040 birthdays, that’s a lot of cake being consumed. Just think how much better off we would be if we switched to baby carrots instead of cake!

Also it is important to exercise! One of the best ways is to go to a gym. That way if you weren’t self-conscious about your fat body before, you are now. The best thing you can do is join a gym and then find the biggest guy you can and beat him up, in order to establish dominance. Don’t spend too much time working on proper lifting technique or any sort of organized work out plan. Just be sure to grunt a lot, slam the weights down real hard as though they were heavy, and always have a mad look on your face. It’s a proven fact maybe that angry people have larger appearing muscles. That’s what I do and it hasn’t failed me yet.

So I can’t decide if being in a Tabloid magazine means your successful or not. I saw one the other day while I was buying moon pies at the super market and I wondered what it would be like to have people so interested in my life, aspects like weight loss (and/or) gain, kids from Africa I’m adopting and going to curse for life with a weird name, or who I am dating or not dating. But then I realized that while some look up to those movie stars, they aren’t ever in the tabloids for good reasons. Usually. I know that there are exceptions so don’t freak out. Then I wondered if a tabloid was covering my life what the cover headlines would say. “Jake is caught reading a book!”, “Jake Sparks was seen dazzling the town on his bicycle!”, “Jake and his girlfriend Katherine Zeta Jones are renting a movie!”. For sure it would make for some pretty juicy reading material. Much like this WebLog.

Word Fun!
So here is what the previous paragraph would look like if I were an overzealous thesaurus user:
Thus I can’t resolve if participating in a scandalous periodical means your flourishing or doing the opposite of flourishing. I saw one the other era while I was purchasing moon danishes at the shop and I questioned what it would be like to have citizens so interested in my existence aspects, like mass bereavement (and/or) acquisition, youth from Africa I’m espousing and going to bother for life with a weird name, or who I am courting or not courting. But then I become conscious that while some look up to those motion picture stars, they aren’t ever in the tabloids for respectable reasons. By and large. I know that there are exceptions so don’t fret. Then I pondered if a tabloid was covering my life what the cover caption would say. “Jake is trapped reading a manuscript!”, “Jake Sparks was seen glittering the settlement on his tandem!”, “Jake and his scrabble partner Katherine Zeta Jones are leasing a film!”. For sure it would make for some attractive scandalous evaluation material. Much like this WebLog.

I’m not into love poetry; but if I were, I would write poems like this: (This was going to be funny but its actually serious and pretty meaningful I think) (seriously)

Nightfall and glimmering stars
Enchantment swells inside
The moon brings a welcomed chance
For their hearts to collide
They stroll down the path together
Hands and hearts clasped so tight
The words are only details
As they wander into the night
Finally to the Garden
Fresh spring flowers all around
This would be the spot
For dreams buried in the ground
He stops and turns toward her
Not sure of what to do
She gazed at him wonderingly
And didn’t have a clue
A kiss on the cheek was all he could offer
And it would have to do
Love is tough for a four year old
And she was only two

Nights turned into days
Numbering not a few
Moonlit walks and talks continued
As the couple grew
Finally to the Garden,
As he learned what to do
The summer flowers set the scene
For the first “I Love You”
The Garden Sun did shine
As wedding bells filled the air
They continued moving forward
Side by side, as a pair
With hearts and hands clasped so tight
As they walked through life
Together they weathered every summer storm
And grew together through strife

Eventually the nights turned cool
As autumn finished its task
The walks and talks persisted
Till they couldn’t make it back
Now old and grey and wise
From the lives that they have led
She lay frail and weak
And whispers from the bed
Take me to the Garden,
I need to see our past
I need to see the flowers
Will they make it? Will they last?
The flowers now conceding
To the wishes of seasons
Their time too was short
They would be taken for their own reasons

Do not be sad he said
For all things must pass on
The Garden is our love
And the spring is never gone
Our dreams are planted here
And in the ground they will be
But once the spring sun shines
They will be free eternally

Now alone he walks
To the Garden each day
The Love of his life now lives there
And in the flowers she will stay

Ok so I don’t really know where that all came from. Guess I felt like being sentimental. I even cried a little bit.


  1. Brilliant. i'm officially hooked to your blog now.
    And I agree 100% with your Twilight Rant.

  2. You should be an educator so women don't sit around waiting for their own edward to come to them. They don't realize that perhaps they just arn't cutting it for them. Lets not forget the expecations that guys have. How come they don't realize that just as they judge us, we judge right back! haha You said it quite well! Great post, I support you on the texting part as well!!!