Saturday, February 14, 2009

You make me so angry!

Jelly Bellys

Who the H came up with this brain child. We will take a great product that people have loved for decades(jelly beans) and completely undermine the integrity of the entire product. Ok, so you’re a glorified jelly bean company. You make jelly beans. I could live with that. I think they are gross but I can handle that. Then you got the idea to make disgusting ones! On purpose. You purposely made a completely repulsive product. Here is vomit jelly bean. And a snot jelly bean. And a popcorn jelly bean. Now I cant even enjoy the original jelly beans cause I never know when I am going to get a mouthful of Harry’s snot and poop. But that’s not even the worst of it. The thing I am most outraged about is the fact that it worked. Stupid people actually bought them.  And then ate them. And then bought more just so they could talk about how bad it was. Rather than eating their own vomit for free, they paid to eat your vomit. Which only reinforces the JellyBelly company and they produce more. What other product in the world would this work for? None! “Hey hunny, next time you go to the store you think you could pick up some of that diarrhea flavored peanut butter? I just love that stuff. Oh, but be sure to get crunchy this time.” Yeah I can just see Jiffy in that marketing meeting.  “So boss, I got this great idea that everyone is gonna just love.” Or how about Body Odor Gum! “I Love how it makes my mouth taste like Shaq’s armpit.” You are single handedly destroying America and letting the terrorists win.


So does technology ever make you feel stupid? We have all sorts of gadgets. You can have a phone that is a GPS, Cameras, music player, movie player, surfs the web. You can video conference people on the other side of the world. All that it fits in your pocket, on a tiny little machine.  And right now, me standing here, I have no idea how a zipper works. Let alone can I comprehend satellites 200 miles above the earth sending down signals that are decoded by a box in my living room so I can watch Fresh prince re-runs.  Sometimes I just stare at my coat zipping and unzipping wondering how it all works. When its zipped its so tight! And yet it can all be undone with such little effort. I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. My problem is everything I think of has already been invented. “I want a machine that can just transport you from one place to another.” “Oh you mean like a bike, car, train, airplane, boat, shuttle, van, bus, subway, monorail, handcart?” “Yeah.” If I ever did invent something I would make it easy on myself. Like I would invent a machine that its only job is to invent other machines. That way I only invent one machine but get credit for what could be thousands!


Facebook Fantasies

I wish life were like facebook. Think about it. I wish I could just walk up to some random person and be like “I am requesting your friendship. Would you like to confirm or ignore?” See on facebook everything is so much more strait forward. “Sure let me edit the details.” Plus I Would get invited to all sorts of clubs and things! Think about walking around campus and some pirate walks up to you and says “Arrrr! This is the would you like to be a pirate vs. ninja request.” See that’s fun. No I kinda think its getting a little out of hand. I had a professor request my friendship the other day. I don’t know how to feel about that. I think its funny when people put on their status “Sara Beth is think of deleting her facebook.” Do you know what that is? That is a cry for help! It is Facebook’s equivalent to suicide. Then you ask them why they wanna get rid of it. “Its just too addicting. I cant give it up! That’s the only way I know how to end it.” Or my personal favorite, “My ex girlfriend took me off her top friends! I can’t go on facebooking anymore! Whats the use!” And really they just need a friend to sit them down and help them cope with their facebook struggles. Pretty sure most of those threats are just people trying to get sympathy. Well we all have hard facebook lives. That’s just the way it goes. Deal with it.

How about those people that change their relationship status like every other week just to cause drama. Maybe it makes them feel good knowing that everyone else knows that they are no longer listed as single.

I do like to change my birthday though. Last year about every other week was my facebook birthday. It helps you know who your real friends are.  


  1. dear jake,
    i enjoy your random brain waves, way to go, you are funny

    ps-i don't like jelly bellies either.

  2. Jake!

    I LOVE your Blog! I need more posts to satisfy my desires for you writing.
    Laughed my head off.


  3. What about those who change their status every 20 mins? hmm hmmm..