Saturday, February 14, 2009

You make me so angry!

Jelly Bellys

Who the H came up with this brain child. We will take a great product that people have loved for decades(jelly beans) and completely undermine the integrity of the entire product. Ok, so you’re a glorified jelly bean company. You make jelly beans. I could live with that. I think they are gross but I can handle that. Then you got the idea to make disgusting ones! On purpose. You purposely made a completely repulsive product. Here is vomit jelly bean. And a snot jelly bean. And a popcorn jelly bean. Now I cant even enjoy the original jelly beans cause I never know when I am going to get a mouthful of Harry’s snot and poop. But that’s not even the worst of it. The thing I am most outraged about is the fact that it worked. Stupid people actually bought them.  And then ate them. And then bought more just so they could talk about how bad it was. Rather than eating their own vomit for free, they paid to eat your vomit. Which only reinforces the JellyBelly company and they produce more. What other product in the world would this work for? None! “Hey hunny, next time you go to the store you think you could pick up some of that diarrhea flavored peanut butter? I just love that stuff. Oh, but be sure to get crunchy this time.” Yeah I can just see Jiffy in that marketing meeting.  “So boss, I got this great idea that everyone is gonna just love.” Or how about Body Odor Gum! “I Love how it makes my mouth taste like Shaq’s armpit.” You are single handedly destroying America and letting the terrorists win.


So does technology ever make you feel stupid? We have all sorts of gadgets. You can have a phone that is a GPS, Cameras, music player, movie player, surfs the web. You can video conference people on the other side of the world. All that it fits in your pocket, on a tiny little machine.  And right now, me standing here, I have no idea how a zipper works. Let alone can I comprehend satellites 200 miles above the earth sending down signals that are decoded by a box in my living room so I can watch Fresh prince re-runs.  Sometimes I just stare at my coat zipping and unzipping wondering how it all works. When its zipped its so tight! And yet it can all be undone with such little effort. I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. My problem is everything I think of has already been invented. “I want a machine that can just transport you from one place to another.” “Oh you mean like a bike, car, train, airplane, boat, shuttle, van, bus, subway, monorail, handcart?” “Yeah.” If I ever did invent something I would make it easy on myself. Like I would invent a machine that its only job is to invent other machines. That way I only invent one machine but get credit for what could be thousands!


Facebook Fantasies

I wish life were like facebook. Think about it. I wish I could just walk up to some random person and be like “I am requesting your friendship. Would you like to confirm or ignore?” See on facebook everything is so much more strait forward. “Sure let me edit the details.” Plus I Would get invited to all sorts of clubs and things! Think about walking around campus and some pirate walks up to you and says “Arrrr! This is the would you like to be a pirate vs. ninja request.” See that’s fun. No I kinda think its getting a little out of hand. I had a professor request my friendship the other day. I don’t know how to feel about that. I think its funny when people put on their status “Sara Beth is think of deleting her facebook.” Do you know what that is? That is a cry for help! It is Facebook’s equivalent to suicide. Then you ask them why they wanna get rid of it. “Its just too addicting. I cant give it up! That’s the only way I know how to end it.” Or my personal favorite, “My ex girlfriend took me off her top friends! I can’t go on facebooking anymore! Whats the use!” And really they just need a friend to sit them down and help them cope with their facebook struggles. Pretty sure most of those threats are just people trying to get sympathy. Well we all have hard facebook lives. That’s just the way it goes. Deal with it.

How about those people that change their relationship status like every other week just to cause drama. Maybe it makes them feel good knowing that everyone else knows that they are no longer listed as single.

I do like to change my birthday though. Last year about every other week was my facebook birthday. It helps you know who your real friends are.  


This has gone far enough! Now there are so many rules associated with dating it isn’t even worth it. You cant text, have to open all sorts of doors, and spend money, and then there is always the whole awkwardness of it all. Some people attract awkwardness like a dying star imploding in on itself creating a black hole in which not even light can escape. But im getting better. Usually the asking is rough. If she says no for whatever reason be prepared to be uncomfortable around each other for the rest of your lives. Oh and what about speed dating? Well you thought one rejection a week was good, you should try 35 in an hour. It’s a real rush (Ryan Hamilton 2008).


But sometimes it does all work out in the end. And it can be very exciting! Not knowing if she likes you or not and then the first time she does something that makes you think you have a chance! Oh boy that’s a great feeling….I’ll bet.


Ok so I am sick of everyone asking me so I am just going to tell you. Do’s and don’ts of dating:

Do be polite and courteous. Don’t be not polite and not courteous. (they go hand in hand)

Do compliment her on her appearance. Don’t compliment her on her moustache

Do be respectful of her and her body. Don’t spurn her advances (if your like me she will be wanting to be all over you at this point)

Do pay for the date. Don’t pull the ole “Oh I left my wallet in my Porsche”


Ok so for some of you dating deficient learners(DDL) let me break it down for you. Step by step:

1)    The call! “Hello I,_________(state your name) am calling to request the pleasure of your company this Friday evening, upon which we will attend the gentlemen’s ball and enjoy light refreshments” she will undoubtedly agree unless you are unattractive. If this is the case you will most likely need to pick and uglier-excuse me- less attractive date.

2)    The pick up. Don’t blow it. This is a good chance to score some extra points with the fam. If you really wanna put on the charm be sure to leave her home with a kneeling prayer.

3)    This probably should be the most awkward part of the date. Its normal. Your both just feelin each other out and seein how things are going to go. Try to think of some good thought provoking questions in advance like “whats your favorite animal?” Be sure to focus the conversation on you and your football/music career.

4)    The activity- this is the meat of the date. Whatever it is be sure that she continually knows how lucky she was to be chosen by you for the evening. Talking about old girlfriends and other girls you’ve dated is a must. Girls love competition. Also put downs. If you really want her to stick around it is imperative that you treat her poorly. That way she will feel like she needs and has to have you.

5)    Dinner can difficult. Be sure to keep the power and focus on your side. If you space out even for a moment she is ordering the fillet minion and and crab lobster platter.  Most of which she probably wont eat. Only the salad. Women evolved from an herbivorous dinosaur. That’s why they love salad so much.

6)    Ok so the date is winding down. You have done a wonderful job I must say. She is totally into you. A movie is the perfect time to seal the deal. If you really want to get her, watch Charly. Its churchy, and lovey, and does have a hot chick in it. You could try for “hitch” or “transformers” but those are all so one dimensional.

7)    Now if she is interested- this is when you’ll know. Sitting on the couch arms crossed, bored look on her face, and a 4th and long distance between you…not good. Gotta bridge the gap. A hand on the leg is a good start, or the cheesy yawn wrap around sometimes works on blondes.

8)    Ok, now the drop off. This is key. Be sure to walk her to the door and be sure she knows exactly why you are doing it. So she doesn’t get raped by someone else. Now, some guys look at the key jiggling thing, or other methods of finding out her intentions. Also if she looks at your lips a lot your in! Stand close and tall. Let her know your there. There is a lot of intuition here. Gotta go with your gut. Hitch says the whole go 90% let her come 10% thing. That works sometimes. What I do is go 50% and if she doesn’t respond I act like I am bending over to tie my shoe.

9)    Post date text. This is the girl’s domain. She can send that to you. Usually a good sign. But you do not initiate the text that night. Let it marinate. It is classy to wait and thank her a couple days later. That way she knows it had in impact on you and that you were thinking about her. Girls love crap like that.

10) Oh and one last thing…Send me a wedding invite!!

How to save the world

Ok here is an easy one. NO GAY MARRIAGE. Done.

Global warming? More like global BORING. Thanks Al Gore for that one. To me it seems that melting Polar ice caps is the perfect solution to the drought problem we’ve been having. Which in my opinion is caused by bottled water. Think about it. Never have we had so much bottled water before. Didn’t you ever make an eco system in a 2 liter coke bottle? There is always the same amount of water! Its just in different states. Gas, liquid, etc…

Battling the terroists…ok actually that’s an important one. I’ll give em that. We really should be worried about that.

UFC- what a waste. Here we have people that are trained killing machines. They should not be out wasting their skills on each other. They ought to be fighting crime. A Special task force. And give them authority to use any means necessary. ANY!

Economy- so how can not anyone have money? Ten years ago we were doin alright. Where is the money we had then? If people spent it then its still around. Just someone new has it. Do we need to go over the whole coke bottle eco system again?

Sports that aren’t sports that should be sports

Here is one for the ladies… while I am all for the WNBA and LPGA Tour and having professional women athletes, I just have no desire to spend any amount of money consuming those sports. But we do have a whole untapped market! Think about it. Who likes sports the most? MEN! What else do men that like sports also like? WOMEN! Duh. That is why I am introducing the first WBNHL! Women’s Bikini National Hockey League! Its pretty self explanatory. Oh and refs, let em go at it for a bit.

Also I like the Idea of some sort of Primate wrestling federation. Not only are Gorilla’s stronger than men, but they are less susceptible to being bribed and fixing fights.

Borderline sport= fishing, bowling, ice dancing and LPGA

Babe Talk

This is when I talk about the movie Babe. This lovable pig who was raised to be slaughtered but developed a specific set of skills that came in handy. He became a prize winning sheep dog- excuse me- sheep pig. Hilarity ensues as he tries to learn the ropes and the old school, kind hearted farmer realizes what a special pig he has. Which brings me too my next topic-


Americas favorite past time! Every morning I like waking up and eating a pound of deep fried bacon wrapped bacon. Who doesn’t like bacon? Everyone does. I have a theory that every food can be served with bacon through at least no more than six degrees of separation. Try me! Ice Cream? Don’t waist my time….ice cream-whipped cream-whipped cream on waffles-bacon with waffles. Done. Steak you say? Fillet minion! That’s only one degree. Give me a hard one. That’s what she said. How about spaghetti. Oh good one. Spaghetti-salad-tomatoes-BLT! It cant be beat. Truly Bacon is king. Maybe one day America will be able to rise up and shake off the chains of big bacon.

Mobile Coverage

My phone just broke. But ironically, nothing works except for my ability to call people. The numbers work so I can dial but the texting and internet and games- all gone. Who uses their phone to talk to people on anymore? My grandma and that’s it. How do people in China Text? Their alphabet is like 6 Billion characters long. Maybe they still just talk on the phone. Lame.

Over Reactions

I think that everyone just needs to shut up and let me type how I want to. Screw home row. These hands are now homeless, but not like the angry homeless hands that just want your money for beer. More like the artistic ones that later become famous and everyone says, “Wow, those hands were homeless and now they own the whole keyboard!” The entire keyboard is my canvas. And my masterpiece… a delicious feast for the eyes and mind, that can only be consumed by desire- deep heartfelt desire. Burning like a fire devouring everything in its path. But not like a destructive path. More like a cleansing fire like at the end of the Lion King. So yes you heard me. My hands are like a beautiful and delicious cleansing fire. 

Girls are tricky. You have to watch out for them cause sometimes they make you completely miserable. And the other times, it doesn’t end up working out. Some girls are like that song you hear one the radio. You know the one by the Fray. At first you liked it and sang out loud to its conceptually catchy and whiney tune. But after hearing it so many times you want to ram burning Q-tips in your ears just to get them to be quiet. Plus that song took your hoody and you really want it back. ( oh so that’s how to save a life)

But in all honesty, I like girls. Sometimes one special girl. What makes her special? Well I don’t know if it’s her eyes when she laughs or if it’s the feeling I get when she walks in to the room. Or maybe its cause every time I see her it feels like Christmas morning and each smile is a precious gift waiting to be unwrapped, and I know I have been good that year. Or possibly it is because everything beautiful in my life reminds me of her, as she is the model of beauty. My sun rises and sets on her face, and pure unadulterated love permeates the chasms of my heart. But probably it’s because she lets me tongue kiss her (very rare).


But right now I’m single. I used to be in a singles ward but now I am in a student ward. So I dunno which direction I am going. I’m pretty sure it’s a positive thing cause what I wasn’t doing used to defined who I was. (I wasn’t getting married so I was single). But now I am a student, which is code for poor, hungry, in debt, and yes, still single. 

Yeah I go to college. Wanna know what college is like? Its kinda like when you were little and had to go to the dentist. You knew it would suck but you wanted the certificate so you could be in the “no cavities” club. Plus you couldn’t eat for a while after.


No I am not a looser- and I have over 650 Facebook friends to prove it.


Quote walls- Ok here is the skinny on that, just so you girls are aware.

1)    No it is not original.

2)    Any one could write any saying on a wall and yep….still wouldn’t be funny.

3)    It is a poor attempt to show visitors how funny you are(aren’t) and how many friends you have(don’t have) and how funny they all are(aren’t).

“Oh my heck did SaraBeth really say that?! Must have, its on the wall”


Ok its your house so do what you want, but me, I am going to fill my walls with unquote walls. I like to write down everything that some one hasn’t said. Then when some one does say it, cross it off the wall.

“The Sam’s club on Neptune ran out of scuba gear because a yeti ate my sandwhich”

That’s just an example, so if someone were to say that then we’d cross it off.


Scrabble is a fun game. It gives you a rare opportunity. If you win, then its one of the only two times in life you can be a winner and a looser at the same time. The other time is Employee of the Month (Demetri Martin 2006).


Black people. I fail to see how they can dominate every sport and yet make such horrible music videos. Oh let me guess, rapper, sporting all sorts of “ice”, booty girls, fish eye camera lens, pools, cars, dolla bills. That’s it. Just once I’d like to see something new in a rap video. And maybe more booty girls.


How come we have different breeds of dogs but different, races of people. Why not races of dogs or breeds of people? People aren’t prejudice against different breeds of dogs. They may have preferences perhaps, but they wouldn’t blame a pitt bull for high crime rate or a Chihuahua for so many illegal immigrants. If we just switched up our lingo a little we could save a lot of hate.  Maybe its something Obama could look into. Also he should look into fixing the rap videos.


Well here is the random thoughts of my overactive mind. Often they were composed into the early hours of the morning. My prayer is that lives will be touched by the passion and pure love this blog represents. These thoughts won't help but perhaps its entertaining!