Ok here is an easy one. NO GAY MARRIAGE. Done.
Global warming? More like global BORING. Thanks Al Gore for that one. To me it seems that melting Polar ice caps is the perfect solution to the drought problem we’ve been having. Which in my opinion is caused by bottled water. Think about it. Never have we had so much bottled water before. Didn’t you ever make an eco system in a 2 liter coke bottle? There is always the same amount of water! Its just in different states. Gas, liquid, etc…
Battling the terroists…ok actually that’s an important one. I’ll give em that. We really should be worried about that.
UFC- what a waste. Here we have people that are trained killing machines. They should not be out wasting their skills on each other. They ought to be fighting crime. A Special task force. And give them authority to use any means necessary. ANY!
Economy- so how can not anyone have money? Ten years ago we were doin alright. Where is the money we had then? If people spent it then its still around. Just someone new has it. Do we need to go over the whole coke bottle eco system again?
Sports that aren’t sports that should be sports
Here is one for the ladies… while I am all for the WNBA and LPGA Tour and having professional women athletes, I just have no desire to spend any amount of money consuming those sports. But we do have a whole untapped market! Think about it. Who likes sports the most? MEN! What else do men that like sports also like? WOMEN! Duh. That is why I am introducing the first WBNHL! Women’s Bikini National Hockey League! Its pretty self explanatory. Oh and refs, let em go at it for a bit.
Also I like the Idea of some sort of Primate wrestling federation. Not only are Gorilla’s stronger than men, but they are less susceptible to being bribed and fixing fights.
Borderline sport= fishing, bowling, ice dancing and LPGA
This is when I talk about the movie Babe. This lovable pig who was raised to be slaughtered but developed a specific set of skills that came in handy. He became a prize winning sheep dog- excuse me- sheep pig. Hilarity ensues as he tries to learn the ropes and the old school, kind hearted farmer realizes what a special pig he has. Which brings me too my next topic-
Americas favorite past time! Every morning I like waking up and eating a pound of deep fried bacon wrapped bacon. Who doesn’t like bacon? Everyone does. I have a theory that every food can be served with bacon through at least no more than six degrees of separation. Try me! Ice Cream? Don’t waist my time….ice cream-whipped cream-whipped cream on waffles-bacon with waffles. Done. Steak you say? Fillet minion! That’s only one degree. Give me a hard one. That’s what she said. How about spaghetti. Oh good one. Spaghetti-salad-tomatoes-BLT! It cant be beat. Truly Bacon is king. Maybe one day America will be able to rise up and shake off the chains of big bacon.
My phone just broke. But ironically, nothing works except for my ability to call people. The numbers work so I can dial but the texting and internet and games- all gone. Who uses their phone to talk to people on anymore? My grandma and that’s it. How do people in China Text? Their alphabet is like 6 Billion characters long. Maybe they still just talk on the phone. Lame.