Saturday, February 14, 2009


This has gone far enough! Now there are so many rules associated with dating it isn’t even worth it. You cant text, have to open all sorts of doors, and spend money, and then there is always the whole awkwardness of it all. Some people attract awkwardness like a dying star imploding in on itself creating a black hole in which not even light can escape. But im getting better. Usually the asking is rough. If she says no for whatever reason be prepared to be uncomfortable around each other for the rest of your lives. Oh and what about speed dating? Well you thought one rejection a week was good, you should try 35 in an hour. It’s a real rush (Ryan Hamilton 2008).


But sometimes it does all work out in the end. And it can be very exciting! Not knowing if she likes you or not and then the first time she does something that makes you think you have a chance! Oh boy that’s a great feeling….I’ll bet.


Ok so I am sick of everyone asking me so I am just going to tell you. Do’s and don’ts of dating:

Do be polite and courteous. Don’t be not polite and not courteous. (they go hand in hand)

Do compliment her on her appearance. Don’t compliment her on her moustache

Do be respectful of her and her body. Don’t spurn her advances (if your like me she will be wanting to be all over you at this point)

Do pay for the date. Don’t pull the ole “Oh I left my wallet in my Porsche”


Ok so for some of you dating deficient learners(DDL) let me break it down for you. Step by step:

1)    The call! “Hello I,_________(state your name) am calling to request the pleasure of your company this Friday evening, upon which we will attend the gentlemen’s ball and enjoy light refreshments” she will undoubtedly agree unless you are unattractive. If this is the case you will most likely need to pick and uglier-excuse me- less attractive date.

2)    The pick up. Don’t blow it. This is a good chance to score some extra points with the fam. If you really wanna put on the charm be sure to leave her home with a kneeling prayer.

3)    This probably should be the most awkward part of the date. Its normal. Your both just feelin each other out and seein how things are going to go. Try to think of some good thought provoking questions in advance like “whats your favorite animal?” Be sure to focus the conversation on you and your football/music career.

4)    The activity- this is the meat of the date. Whatever it is be sure that she continually knows how lucky she was to be chosen by you for the evening. Talking about old girlfriends and other girls you’ve dated is a must. Girls love competition. Also put downs. If you really want her to stick around it is imperative that you treat her poorly. That way she will feel like she needs and has to have you.

5)    Dinner can difficult. Be sure to keep the power and focus on your side. If you space out even for a moment she is ordering the fillet minion and and crab lobster platter.  Most of which she probably wont eat. Only the salad. Women evolved from an herbivorous dinosaur. That’s why they love salad so much.

6)    Ok so the date is winding down. You have done a wonderful job I must say. She is totally into you. A movie is the perfect time to seal the deal. If you really want to get her, watch Charly. Its churchy, and lovey, and does have a hot chick in it. You could try for “hitch” or “transformers” but those are all so one dimensional.

7)    Now if she is interested- this is when you’ll know. Sitting on the couch arms crossed, bored look on her face, and a 4th and long distance between you…not good. Gotta bridge the gap. A hand on the leg is a good start, or the cheesy yawn wrap around sometimes works on blondes.

8)    Ok, now the drop off. This is key. Be sure to walk her to the door and be sure she knows exactly why you are doing it. So she doesn’t get raped by someone else. Now, some guys look at the key jiggling thing, or other methods of finding out her intentions. Also if she looks at your lips a lot your in! Stand close and tall. Let her know your there. There is a lot of intuition here. Gotta go with your gut. Hitch says the whole go 90% let her come 10% thing. That works sometimes. What I do is go 50% and if she doesn’t respond I act like I am bending over to tie my shoe.

9)    Post date text. This is the girl’s domain. She can send that to you. Usually a good sign. But you do not initiate the text that night. Let it marinate. It is classy to wait and thank her a couple days later. That way she knows it had in impact on you and that you were thinking about her. Girls love crap like that.

10) Oh and one last thing…Send me a wedding invite!!

1 comment:

  1.'s Ali! I have never laughed SO hard. Thank you for the comic relief I will be refering to your blog daily. So I might have an uplifting laugh.